Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Cathy Reilly!
Nice job, nice job. All right! I like that. I love that. Okay. Oh, I’m so excited to be here. All right. Alexander Hamilton… Hamilton said, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything.” At the end of the day… I know, right? At the end of the day, the life you have right now, today, was based on choices that you made in the past. And if you want something different, you need to do something different, and you need to choose something different. Would you agree, AG? All right.
So, our life, having a fulfilled life, that’s really up to us, isn’t it? And who here wants a fulfilled life? Yeah! Who wants to be happy? Yeah! Who wants to have love and joy? Yes! Let me hear you, come on, let me hear you say yes! That’s what I’m talking about. And it comes down to using your voice so that you can make those choices. And sometimes, using our voice is a little uncomfortable, would you agree? Yeah.
Has anybody been in the middle of a conversation, and you went to go… you’re like, “Oh, I wanted to add to it,” right? Whether it’s at work or home, family, whatever it is, and you’re like… and then you pause, and you stop, and you silence yourself. Has anybody done that? Mhm. Why are we silencing ourselves? Because we forgot, or we chose… Well, it could be either one, okay?
But here’s, at the end of the day, who’s experienced this, okay? And have you done it maybe ten times today? Have you done it more than 50 times? Let me see your hands. Sure. Okay, more than 100 times? Are you talking over a lifetime? Today? No, over a lifetime, I’m talking. And look around the room. Who here agrees this happens all the time?
Do you realize when it comes to success, 80% of us fail because of what happens here? That’s what I call the “itty bitty shitty committee.” And I know a little bit about not using my voice. So here I am. This was back in 2011, so just a little bit ago. 2011. I am there. I’ve got my husband and my daughter, who’s five at the time, and they decide, this is a February day, a nice snowy February day, and they’re going to the mountains to go skiing. And I have the day to myself. So I’m an entrepreneur, I work a 9-5 job, and I’m multitasking, right? I’m a wife, I’m a mother, I am doing it. I’m a horse owner, I have it all going on, and I have the day to myself. I was like, “Yes!”
So, who could appreciate that, right? Yeah. So here I am, um, I got to sleep in, which was awesome. I got to take an extra long, hot shower uninterrupted. It was amazing. That morning, as I was doing what I was doing, and I bent down to pick something up, I felt and heard a pop. I went, “Hm, that’s not normal.” But I did something that you may relate to. I told myself, “Eh, it’s nothing. I’m not going to worry about it.”
As the day progressed, this feeling of uneasiness hit me. And the best way I can describe it, and this is how I had to describe it to the doctors, is I felt like really, really bad gas. Okay, so something was going on, and I was like, “Okay, I’m just going to chill out for the day. I’m home alone; I got the remote. For the first time in a long time, I actually had the remote; I controlled it. So I’m going to watch my favorite movie.” So I sit down and chill out, and I watch my movie. And, um, as the movie ends, I’m like, “Okay, I’m hungry, I’m going to get up.” As I stood up to go to the kitchen, this wave of pain and nausea hit me like a truck, and I dropped to my knees. And I knew, I’m like, “Oh ho, I’m about ready to toss my cookies.”
Now, I’m the one who cleans the house, and I’m on the carpet. The tile floor is about 3 feet to my left. So I inch my way, commando style, over to the tile floor and let go. And I start… I remember this clearly, clearly. I remember thinking, “Uh oh, I think something is really wrong.” I’m like, “What should I do? What should I do? What’s going on?” And I’m like, “Should I call for help? Should I call 911? What should I do?” And then the internal dialogue of what I call the “itty bitty shitty committee” kicks in, and I tell myself, “What are you doing? Don’t be a drama queen. It’s nothing, you know. It’s… you haven’t eaten today, you took some medicine, your stomach’s upset, it’s nothing. You know, your neighbors, everybody else, they’re really busy, they have lives, they don’t need to be bothered. Just suck it up.” And so, I stayed silent.
I waited until my husband came home. I called in my Prince Charming, and he swooped me up, took me to the ER, and I went in for emergency surgery. You see, I had an ectopic pregnancy. That’s when a baby is in your tube. My right tube had burst, and I’d been bleeding out all day. I came this close to losing my life.
If that wasn’t enough, I do believe in the good Lord, and I believe the good Lord gives us signs, and it is our job and our choice to pay attention. I didn’t, and so, within six weeks, I detached my retinas. Six weeks. Yeah, so I don’t recommend it to anybody. Um, this surgery was very difficult, and it was exceptionally painful. So, my road to recovery was months.
And I remember my daughter, again, she’s five, and my daughter brings me dinner because I am so heavily medicated and in pain, I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything. And she brings this little tray, you know, those little TV trays? We still have some of those. And so, she came over, and she put it down. “There you go, Mama. What else can I get you?” She’s five. She’s five. I’m her mother. I’m supposed to be taking care of her. And I looked at her and went, “Nope. You’re not going to be me.” And that’s when I drew the line in the sand.
You see, I am my mother’s daughter and my grandmother’s granddaughter. Everything that I am right now, or I should say at that time, I was taught by them to be seen and not heard, to not stir the pot, don’t make a scene, stay quiet, just do your job, just get things done, take care of everybody else. Was anybody else raised that way? Mhm, yeah. Well, it led me to nearly lose my life, and I was not going to have my daughter live that way. I believe in leading by example, so I got to work. I’m a psychologist. I am a degree… I know how the brain works. Let’s figure this out.
So, I got to work. I started reading, taking courses, working with a coach, and doing all the things. I’m like, “I’m going to figure this out. I’m going to figure out how I show up for me like I show up for her?” Because at the end of the day, when I do that, then I’m teaching her.
So, as I started doing this work, within months, other people were noticing. “Kathy, what’s going on with you? You’re showing up a little differently. What’s going on?” At first, I was like, “Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s…” you know, staying quiet. But as I really embraced what I was learning, I was like, “Okay.” And I… I started walking the walk. I started telling people my story. And then I was asked, “Will you come speak for us?” And I’m like, “What? Huh? Do you want me to speak? Nope.” But that little voice inside, you know, the good Lord’s talking to you. I’m like, “All right, let’s do it.” And I started speaking. And the more I started speaking, the more people were like, “What are you doing? What are you doing? If you’re going to speak, you need a book, right, Mr. Ken?” Right? I was like, “You need a book.”
So, I’m like, “Great, I’ve got all these lessons.” So I wrote a book. I put the best things together, the lessons that I learned. I put them all together in here. And I’m like, “You know what? This is for my daughter. These are the amazing things that I learned.” And I’m like, “And people are noticing it for me, but then, this is for her.”
Do you want to hear something great? Within two hours of publishing this, which was in 2019, within two hours I went bestseller! Yay! It was so flipping cool. Yes, that’s awesome. And if I can do it, you can do it, just saying. And so, I put all this, and what I’m going to talk to you today is some of the lessons in here. Would you like to hear some of these lessons? All right, awesome.
So, the first one I’m going to do is, I’m gonna… this isn’t a lesson as much as it is a tool. So, we’ve just come back from lunch, and our energy, I know, we’re all kind of… but I’m an introvert. You may not know this or not, but there are tools that I use to show up confidently. Would you agree that confidence is important in living your life? Yeah. To navigate some difficult conversations, you’ve got to have that confidence, right? Would you love to know that you can actually flip that switch and be confident within 30 seconds? Yeah? Would you like that? Y-y? Okay.
So, everybody stand up, please. We’re gonna play. You guys, do I have people that like to play in the room? Oh, yes! All right, all right. So, we’re going to stand up. I can… All right, I want you to do the superhero pose, please. Your feet are shoulder-width apart. All right, arms on the hips, hands on the hips, I should say. Take a deep breath, get your chest out, chin up. Again, deep breath in and out. All right, and I want you to close your eyes, and in your mind’s eye, I want you to picture yourself confident. You’ve got the win; whatever it is, you’ve got the win. You’re telling yourself, “I’ve got this.” All right, you’re feeling like you’re Superman, you’re Wonder Woman, you can do whatever you want to do. You see yourself celebrating and being happy and just fired up because there you are, all that in a bag of chips, right? You feel it, you see yourself, don’t you? Okay.
Do you feel it? Is your heart racing a little bit? Maybe you’re getting a little flushed? You’re in the moment where it’s awesome, and you tell yourself, repeat after me, “I am confident. I am confident. I got this. I got this. I can do whatever I want. I can do whatever I want. I am all that in a bag of chips. I am all that in a bag of chips.” All right, open your eyes, and what we’re going to do is, we are going to do what I call a dance party, a cheer. We are going to; for the next 30 seconds, we are going to run around, high-five each other, and just be excited ’cause you did it, you did it, you did it. Don’t think, just celebrate. Go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I love it!
[Applause]
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, you did it! Awesome, woohoo! Yes, ma’! All right, you did it, you did it, you did it, you did it, did it, you did it, you did it, you did it, awesome! Wow, that’s what I want to see. Yes, how does it feel? All right, okay, we collect, let’s get back to our seats, let’s come back together, let’s take a deep breath in, and exhale.
So, would you agree that confidence is a level of energy, and right there, we just raised the energy? So, if ever you are looking to be more confident, to feel more confident, set your timer for 30 seconds, and just cheer yourself on, man. Do the little NFL dance and just have a party and self-high-five. That is a tool you can use anywhere, anytime. And I tell you, before I got up on stage, I was doing it in the bathroom, but nobody was in there to see me. So, it is a tool that I use. I love it, I love it. So, just put that in your toolkit, right? And use that whenever you need to, when you know you’re going to a family gathering, and there are some people you don’t really want to talk to, just pull that out, you’re like, “All right, I got this. I can handle it.” Right? So, there’s an amazing tool.
So, the three steps that I want to talk to you guys about in being able to use your voice and navigating those difficult conversations and that hesitation is, first of all, paying attention to what’s going on up here. Would it surprise you to know that we talk to ourselves at a rate of 40,000 words per minute? 40,000 words! There’s a chatty Kathy going on up in here and all that. And here’s the thing, 90%, between 80 and 90% of what we talk about up here is negative. Is that surprising? It’s negative. So, what can we do to shift that? Paying attention and knowing what’s going on. You were talking about how, when it comes to success, 80% of us fail because of what’s going on here. But if we… it’s a choice. We have the choice to start paying attention to what’s going on there and that conversation. I remember, clear as a bell, clear as day, as I was lying on the ground, having that internal dialogue; I remember that conversation. Imagine taking those moments when your voice matters most, paying attention, and flipping the switch. It all starts with paying attention.
So, here’s my challenge to you all: Every time you look in the mirror, give yourself a compliment. Chances are, when you got up this morning, you probably went off to the restroom first thing or pretty close, and you passed by a mirror, and you looked in the mirror. What did you say to yourself? “Hey, Sexy!” So, I was waiting for somebody to say that. So, start owning that space. Every time you look in the mirror, give yourself a compliment. The way the brain works, while we cannot control the first thought, that’s our past, that’s our pre-program, we can reprogram it. But for now, that’s another whole other talk. But for now, while you cannot control that first thought, you can control the next. And I want you to give yourself a compliment.
So, I’ve got a cute little story. So, here I am, my prince charming and I; this is when we’re newly married, and we’re getting… we both work at a law firm downtown Denver, so we’re getting ready in the morning, right? So, I’m at the mirror, I’m doing my makeup, and doing all the girl stuff, and he hops out of the shower, and he’s got one of those really big towels. I love the big fluffy towels; I don’t know about you. So, he’s sitting there, you know, doing his little thing, and he looks in the mirror, and he looks down, looks in the mirror, looks down, looks up in the mirror, and goes, “Those are some sexy legs. Woman, you are so lucky. This is all yours.” So, if nothing else, when you look in the mirror, you tell yourself, “I make that look good.” Write that down. Tell yourself, “I make that look good.” Give yourself a compliment.
So, pay attention. Pay attention to the internal dialogue. The other thing that you need to step into is courage. Navigating those difficult conversations, using your voice, asking for what you want, and asking for help takes courage. Confidence is a learned skill, okay? You don’t wake up confident; you’re not born confident, but you can step into courage. With courage comes confidence. The more you do it, the easier it’ll get. So, just step into courage. And here’s what I will say about that: It’s going to suck. It’s just going to suck. But embrace the suck. All right. Navigating: when it comes time to use your voice and speak your truth, ask for help, and do what you need to do to live life because it’s up to you to make that choice and use your voice, it’s going to be uncomfortable. Embrace the discomfort. Just do, be like Nike, and just do it. Does that make sense? Okay. Are you committed to being uncomfortable with me and embracing the suck? Yes, all right.
And the last thing is just to do it. I would invite you, I challenge you actually, to take the hundred “no” challenge with me. So, here’s what: It’s empowering to say “no.” Would you agree? Yes. Okay. Who here gets a little… when they know they should say “no,” and yet they struggle with those boundaries? So, I invite you to take the 100-day “no” Challenge. And if you go on my website, and actually, you all have one of these, so on the back is a little QR code. You love these QR codes, right? Technology is amazing. You go to my website, and you go to “Mindset and Mantra… Mantra… blah, blah
Mantra blah blah blah mindset and mantra, and you download the hundred no challenge, and here’s what I invite you to do. I invite you to use your voice and say no to the things that no longer serve you. For the next 100 days, I want you to check off those boxes, and I want you to say no. Again, the more you say it, the more you do it, the easier it’ll get. You have to step into the courage to say no to build that confidence. It’s a process, and I challenge you to do that for the next 100 days.
And for anyone that actually downloads it, um, the first one that does will actually receive a copy of my signed book. So, I challenge you to be the first one to do it. So, does that mean who’s up for the challenge? Oh, I love it! You’re my peeps. I knew I was in the right room.
So, at the end of the day, having a fulfilling life, having a life full of love, compassion, energy, peeps, your community, it’s your choice. Every choice is yours. You have the power to live the life that you want to live. It is up to you. No one else can make that decision. You cannot control your circumstances, but you can always control how you respond to them. That is a choice. You can be happy or not happy, right? You can feel love or not. It is a choice, and I challenge you to choose you. I challenge you to unleash the power of you.
Thank you.
[Applause]
You all right, ladies and gentlemen? Once again, give it up for Cathy Reilly!
