The saddest story of my life is my abortion. It has been the most painful hurt and definitely the deepest hurt of my heart.
There are days still, that it is so hard to forgive myself. I get triggered and I have to go back through my healing steps and remind myself that I am forgiven. It’s a lifetime process for me I believe. There are moments I wish I could hold her close to me and kiss her beautiful face that I didn’t get to see.
December 28 is an especially hard day, it’s the day she was due to be born. And even after 34 years, that day after Mother’s Day is still one of the most difficult days I have. You see, I let someone talk me into having an abortion because he was worried about his reputation in the small community we lived in. We began as an affair, a very poor choice on my part. He had just started the divorce process with his wife and while we were dating I became pregnant. Life was hard and very confusing for me. I had two small children I was raising on my own. I knew what I was about to do was biblically wrong. And my emotions kept telling me it was wrong. Yet I did it anyway. I felt I had no other choice at that time.
When I woke up from the procedure I was absolutely devastated and with uncontrollable tears, deep grief and anger. I knew what I had done, I had just taken the life of a very precious baby. My little baby and I knew I would never see her again. I hated myself so much at that moment. And it stayed that way for years.
I had hidden this ugly part of my life, this horrible action I had done. This had been hidden for 27 years. While going through recovery of being married to a sex addict for years, God began to deal with me about it. He kept bringing it up as my deepest hurt and saddest memory. He wanted that deepest hurt to be healed once and for all. He kept reminding me that He had already forgiven me and I needed to forgive myself. He eventually brought a lot of healing to my heart and mind. He also continues to bring her to mind and with each time that He does, it’s a time of deeper healing.
One day as I was in my War Room in prayer over this, He took me on a journey, giving me a vision of her and Jesus running in a big green field chasing beautiful butterflies. I can still see the vision and I hold onto that daily. I know that she is with Him and safe in His arms.
From all the prayer time with God and spending time going through the recovery healing journey, I’ve been able to write her letters to ask her for forgiveness as well. I know that she already has. I know that she longs to meet me as much as I long to get home in Heaven to finally meet her. When I think about going home to Heaven, I have asked God to make sure He brings her with Him when He meets me at the Gate.
had a lady at a church ask me one time if I had ever named her. I had always wanted to name her Mellissa Lea. Always loved the name Melissa and Lea is my middle name. So this lady looked up what the name Melissa meant. It means “Honey Bee”. And the following day, I saw some Honey Bees, and this lady did as well. I knew God was showing me His Love and Forgiveness. So I told God and her that her name was Melissa Lea. This is how I refer to her and think of her every time I see a butterfly or bees.
I firmly believe that God uses every journey we have gone through for His Glory and in some way it helps another. I have found this to be so true from every journey I have taken in life so far. My prayer is that by sharing my story, someone can see that God is a God of Love and wanting to help us heal and to encourages to forgive ourselves and to receive His forgiveness as well. His love is the greatest gift I have received in my life and it grows deeper every day.
I long for the day that God calls me Home and I get to finally meet my little girl. Melissa Lea
